sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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