I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
