Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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