My Higher Power is John Stamos
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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