We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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