Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
