If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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