I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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