I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
