my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
