I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He called his prostate his "boner button".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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