We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
