I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
