Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
