shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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