Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
