Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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