Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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