When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
