Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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