she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
