she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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