No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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