after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
