Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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