Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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