whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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