Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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