I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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