Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
