just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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