i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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