A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
