do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
