she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
