I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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