god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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