i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
