do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
