I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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