3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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