Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
