Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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