Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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