please come you make the beer taste better
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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