dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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