You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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