Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
