Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
