How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
