We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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