I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
