He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We left the knife in your bed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
