to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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