He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
